CLEANSING THE CHALICE, SHARPENING THE BLADE

There‘s no way anticipating what the lion tamer would think of. Before her trip to the metropolis last March for example, she unexpectedly asked if she could allot P300 from our meager funds and when her aging pet asked why, she calmly said she is on a birth control binge. When asked what exactly does it mean since she has already hurdled menopausal stage, she supported her idea with three impregnable reasons. These are:

Paz, the mother of our first harelip patient named JR and the wife of Yukyuk, approached her saying she desires to undergo ligation and that her husband is amenable to the idea since they already have four children, only, they don’t have the P300 minimum donation that the Center requires, and

She is also taking Flor and Baby, Upiong’s and Junjun’s wives respectively, to the Center to undergo pregnancy test (isn’t this and the frog test the same?) so that if the two aren’t pregnant yet, then the she will cajole the Center to give them the needed birth control pills gratis et amore so that Cupid’s deadly arrows may not hit their fertile targets.

And so the mandatory (the lion tamer mandates, her pet obeys) request for funding was approved and off to the Center the four ladies, one past the menopausal phase and three still on fertile stages went. Predictably, one went through the knife and had her fecund organ ligated while the other two went home with the needed birth-arresting pills to defang the venomous sperms that their respective husbands scatter while doing their sexual assaults whenever time and opportunity permits. And the lion tamer? Well, she is now good only at threatening the aging lion with her proverbial whip because the aging lion’s armor now points at five-thirty, and never mind if it is sunshine or rainy weather.

And to make this short story still a little shorter, the first thing the lion tamer did upon her return after six weeks’ stay in the metropolis that commenced on the last day of March was to check on the status of the project that she left behind her. True enough, Paz and Yukyuk, the pair to whom she acted as fairy godmother when they got married some two years back (and don’t play the role of a mathematician will you?!, the time difference of two years married life and the number of years it will take to sire four children were caused by the fact that they had already lived together for four whole years before getting married) are now enjoying wedded bliss subject only to the limitation that all their four children are either wide awake or inside the house whenever they intend to perform their romantic somersaults since obviously amorous advances cannot be done under the very noses of their kids.

Flor no longer kicks Apyong on the groin whenever he makes sexual advances after arriving from the sea before dawn. All the couple do is shove their two young daughters to the corner of the room so that their rhythmic sexual jousts will not awaken them. And the reason they could not yet decide on ligation is because they are still mulling over the prospects of having a son to also become a fisherman someday. Word has it that there are even times when it is Flor who awakens Upiong in the midst of his slumber, and when asked by the latter whatever is the matter, would reply, “Can we do something totally enjoyable, or you would rather continue your sleep?!”

But Baby, Junjun’s wife, was a failure. When asked why, it turned out she discontinued swallowing the birth control pills allegedly because she did not like the taste. She therefore reverted to plucking the strings of rhythmic sexual cadence but whose cord obviously Junjun strung in error and lo! the sperm and the female hormone united as one. Baby got herself pregnant to the consternation of her Surigaonon husband who, in flawless Tagalog said (they met and got married in the metropolis some eight years back) “Ayaw kasing makinig sa titser!! Pero dapat, maligate na paglabas ng bata, pang- apat na yang nasa tiyan ah, mahirap na ang panglima. (All because she would not listen to the teacher!! But then, ligation is indeed necessary later; after the baby gets out of the womb, it being the fourth already, the fifth child will just result in endless misery.)

The lion tamer also added that Jimbo and Liza had already intimated to her that the wife will also request for a similar ligation after their fifth child is delivered this coming June.

To the obvious pleasure of the aging lion when she was making her report.

But the aging pet’s enjoyment was short lived. The lion tamer made another funding request, and this time involving the circumcision of Benjack, EJ and Christian, sons of Eben, Pilo and Jimbo respectively. When asked how much it will cost, her reply was a hefty P500 since the Center requires a P150 voluntary donation per boy but that she can haggle to lower it down to P100 as stipend of the guy who will do the job. The expected P200 surplus may then be used for unseen medical expenses like antibiotics or gauze bandage that may not be available at the Center, she said.

While the three kids were being interrogated however, another young boy named Kyde, who is Junjun’s eldest son, asked if he can also be added in the list, wherefore the aging lion ordered his tamer to ask the boy’s parents if they are willing. Having got the affirmative reply, she trooped to the Center much like a lady Pied Piper with four young boys in tow. But when they returned, only three went through the knife because the soft outward skin of EJ’s armor has not yet reached the inner core, thus the circumciser decided to skip incision on the organ of Pilo’s young boy.

Through it all the aging lion could but silently muse. Helping these married women avert pregnancy elicited a one-on-one persuasion and on this the lion tamer is knowledgeable. The number of children already existing, the varying temperament of the couple and even the delicate and touchy questions on sex had to be answered tactfully and wisely. One husband even argued that according to some, women who have undergone ligation show maniacal tendencies to which she replied that the word maniacal is cruel; what obviously result is that she is now more open to her husband’s sexual overtures. One ignorant and jealous husband even declares he will not allow his wife to have herself ligated to make it easy for him to know if his wife has been unfaithful. As if he already knew the powers of DNA and that he can afford it attendant cost!!

Circumcision, on the other hand, requires a much simpler procedure but proper timing must be observed. Planning it during end of school years, all that is needed is to scout for aggressive young boys who have not yet undergone the knife and presto, the project will be as good as solved to later prepare them for aggressive and amorous manhood. Last week as the aging lion was swimming at the beach for example, he befriended four young boys with ages about ten years old. When asked if they are already circumcised, two said yes while the other two posted negative retorts.

Of course there are costs to be met, but why bother? Since these projects are done on small scale, the lion tamer and her pet’s financial resources can somehow still manage to defray the cost , although indeed it would be better if someone out there can help to make the scope of the projects a little wider, for as any SSS pensioner will tell you, their pension can never be above starvation pay such that if one manages to survive, he should be able to fund the additional expense from somewhere else.

And what about the symbolic meanings of the words “chalice” and “blade” that were used in the title of the above-mentioned article?

But of course!! The aging lion thought you’ve read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code (see Chapter 56) from where these words were copied as it is obviously to attract the readers’ undivided attention.